Posted Retroactively.
25-July-2011.
Morning weight: Afraid to look.
I woke up today with a feeling of dread clutching my innards. I was apprehensive about my day. How was I to survive? Can I even survive? Is such a thing humanly possible? No Stabucks mochas. No bacon and eggs and smoked sausages. No cream and sugar with a dollop of coffee. Can my morning get any worse?
Stupid question.
First meal of the day was Medifast Maple Brown sugar oatmeal. After all, how bad can it be? It’s oatmeal. With maple brown sugar. Surely this is safe. Quakers has been making this for years…no one can ruin it. Right?
Ugh. Here is my comprehensive review of the Medifast Maple Brown Sugar Oatmeal:
Because these come in packs of seven, I’m very much dreading the thought of having six more meals with these. First off…it didn’t “feel” like oatmeal. The textures is more runny and more suspension like than chunk-like. Secondly, the taste. Ugh. There is a distinct chalky after taste that spread across my senses. I can even “smell” this chalky taste. And thirdly, maple brown sugar, where are you?
Not a great way to start the day :(
I consoled myself with the fact that surely, this may be the worse of them all. It can only get better.
And it did. Slightly. My next meal three hours later was the Medifast Caramel Crunch bar. That one tasted pretty decent. The only gripe I had was that I would swear that I could still taste that weird chalky aftertaste from the oatmeal. Oh, and the fact that like most bars, this was a bit dry.
My lowest point on this day came when I had the Medifast cream of tomato soup for lunch. After spending a couple of hours in a non-ergonomic position weighing some samples in lab, I was looking forward to relaxing by my computer with a small meal. I chose the tomato soup as my next option because really, who doesn’t love creamy tomoto soup? How wrong can it go?—Eventually, I will learn to NOT ask stupid questions.
The first clue that this wasn’t going to be good came when I opened the packet and smelled the familiar chalky weird smell that came with the maple brown sugar oatmeal. What is that smell? Did they pack these things with the same vitamins and minerals in all meals to ensure that I’m getting my proper nutrition? Yuck. Most likely. Ever had to take those HUGE multivitamins? The ones that seem to get stuck in your throat? The ones that you can still taste even hours after taking it? Well, this smell reminds me of those.
But I digress. Medifast cream of tomato soup, how could you ruin the thought of all tomato soups for me? First off, perhaps I should have stirred more thoroughly because the small chunks of the soup powder that made it to my tongue and crumbled into even more particulates led to an even stronger smell of chalk. I’m drinking chalk!!! Secondly, the actual taste of this soupy suspension was shocking. Even without that chalking sensation, the taste was reminiscent of dirty socks. Where ‘s the tomato? Where’s the cream? I’d say the soup tasted like rotten tomato or cream except for the fact that it was missing that sour taste that would have pushed it over the edge.
But I’m a little trouper. I know they tell you to make the meal last at least fifteen minutes, but believe me when I say that you’ll never finish it in fifteen minutes. You gotta treat it like a band aid and rip it off fast. In my case, I downed it like a shot and washed it down with water. God, what I would have given for some vanilla Grey goose Vodka at this point.
And then I proceeded to gag. And gag. And gag. I threw up a little in my mouth. But since I was in the office, I forced myself to swallow it again.
Regurgitated medifast tomato soup, I curse you.
And I thought the oatmeal was bad.
Discouraged by two out of three of the meals, I seriously reconsidered the merits of this diet plan and my chances of successfully finishing even just one month. I wonder if James was willing to switch some of his Medifast S’mores crunch bar with this soup?
With the taste of bile in my mouth successfully curing any hunger pangs I might have, I resigned myself to going back to work while visions of Bojangles’ chickens danced in my head.
Disturbing? Perhaps. True? Absolutely.
Salvation came three hours later when I decided that a snack was in order in the form of Medifast parmesan cheese puffs. Compared to the oatmeal and the tomato soup, these cheese puffs were almost like a sign from God and his angels saying, “Yes, Rebecca, you can do this.” Of course, it helps that I LOVE cheese puffs in all its forms and flavors. Yes. Cheese puffs. That’s what I can eat. Cheese puffs all day. *doing a happy dance*
And...for my last meal...of the day that is, I had the Medifast Raspberry Iced Tea. It’s not bad. But it’s not good either. So, it’s no Bojangles’s sweet tea. I expected that. But the chalky taste was still there. Gulping it down fast was the only way I was gonna finish the 8 ounces of liquid.
Lean and Green Meal: Red meat in tamarind broth with spinach and jalapenos. I didn’t bother to weigh the meat this time. So there may have been an extra ounce or so that shouldn’t have been there.
Stats:
Medifast Maple Brown Sugar oatmeal - 1star
Medifast Caramel Crunch Bar -3 star
Medifast Cream of tomato -1 star
Medifast Parmesan cheese puffs -4 star
Medifast Raspberry Iced Tea - 2 star
Evening weight: Fuck it.
Gastronomic ratings.
5 stars - I can see replacing potato chips with this
4 stars - It can be a steady part of my diet
3 stars - I can eat it.
2 stars - I'd rather skip a meal
1 star - I'd rather eat men's dirty socks.
